By the grace of Apollo, the God of Music, I last-second lucked my way into the hottest ticket of the year! She is my church, and I her disciple. No longer relegated to my couch and homemade popcorn of years’ past, I set out to conquer the world’s largest stage. No longer a by-standing plebeian, I took my rightful heir to the music throne. I stand on the shoulders of all the schemers and dreamers out there, sneaking their way into music’s biggest night. I take the Torch o’ Tunes and hold it high above my head, fully aware of my fleeting moment among the stars. I’m here to dispel the rumors, confirm the truths and give the people what they want…
Here are the 25 Things I Know I Know I Know about the Grammy’s:
25) Every single person at the Grammy’s dresses so insanely over the top it’s impossible to know who is actually famous. You can play “Celebrity or Dooshbag” for hours and still never be able to tell who is who.
24) Even your favorite performer in the whole world will only be onstage for 3 minutes the entire night.
23) Even your least favorite performer in the whole world will only be onstage for 3 minutes the entire night.
22) There are basically no awards given out at the Grammy Awards. On the rare occasion that they do give out an award, Bruno Mars will win 1000% of the time.
21) Jay Z will not be going to next year’s Grammy’s.
20) Everyone lost their entire brains and cheered harder than any other performer when James Corden fake announced that President Obama will be coming onstage.
19) The best part of the night was Niles Rodgers’ intimate after-party. People (read: I) was raging so hard to “Good Times” that the floor started to shake and we thought we were going to fall right through.
18) Would have been a helluva way to go out.
17) Childish Gambino had a ton of sex last night.
16) Salt Bae does not speak a lick of English. I sat a row up from him and he did not respond any of the times I obnoxiously yelled at the back of his head.
15) The production value, staging and lighting at the Grammy’s was the most over-the-top, unique and impressive of any concert I’ve ever attended.
14) Food at the Grammy’s is nothing fancy, just the usual concession stand fare you get when you go to a Knicks game.
13) And just like the Knicks, most nominees lose.
12) As I would at any game, I successfully snuck down to the lower section for the second half.
11) They cut the booze when the ceremony starts, so it’s a mad dash to sauce up as hard as possible before the show.
10) I think I won the race.
9) There’s much talking during the commercial breaks that they need to shut everyone up on the loudspeaker every time before going Live because…
8) Nobody gives a shit about anything.
7) Luis Fonsi and Daddy Yankee must not have gotten the message yet around how we’re trying not to objectify women anymore.
6) Despacito is such a banger that no one really cared. #MeToo
5) Ed Sheeran’s boycott ended up backfiring since he won an award for Best Pop Solo Performance with “Shape of You” and wasn’t even there to accept it. Definitely didn’t win him any new fans, and pockets of the crowd were booing when he won.
4) I’m not saying that was me booing, but I’m not saying that wasn’t me booing, either.
3) James Corden is a lot funnier in pre-recorded sketches like Carpool Karaoke than he is in person. That said, not having him perform something Live since he has a sneaky good voice was a missed opportunity.
2) While there weren’t any Bruno Mars haters, there was a general sense that Jay or Kendrick should’ve won Record or Album of the year. If Bruno wasn’t such an amazing performer and seemingly genuine guy, the crowd would’ve turned on him. I never thought I’d say this, but Bruno fatigue may finally be setting in.
1) SHAGGY lives!